equity
Dating Violence
This is for men
Date /acquaintance rape on campus
Sex and culture
Sex myths
Dating violence on campus
What means "Yes"?
What means "No"?
Physical and emotional violence in dating relationships
For male survivors on campus
How to help a friend
Where can I go for help?
Most information on dating violence has been written for women only. This information is for men
Materials on dating violence that have been written for women have helped them to name this problem, to break the silence of abuse, to heal themselves, and to organize on and off campus.
Men have been neglected by many educational initiatives; however, it is male behaviour that is the problem and that needs to be changed.
Dating violence cannot be stopped until men take responsibility for its prevention. Many men are struggling to change the ways in which they and their friends interact with women. This pamphlet can help men in these efforts at Ryerson University and beyond.
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
Date /acquaintance rape on campusDate/acquaintance rape is sexual intercourse that is forced, manipulated, or coerced by a partner, friend, or acquaintance. Studies have shown that date/acquaintance rape occurs more frequently among university students than any other group. Date/acquaintance rape can happen anywhere, at any time, to anyone, regardless of race, class, age, culture, marital status, sexual orientation, or physical or mental ability. In one study, one in four women were victims of rape or attempted rape and 84 percent of their assailants were dating partners or acquaintances.
Under the sexual assault law, Bill C127, a woman must give her consent to sex. If she does not, she can charge a man with sexual assault, regardless of whether there is physical injury or abuse. When a women does not say "yes" to sexual activity it is sexual assault regardless of whether a man and woman have held hands, kissed or fondled each other before the assault, or had sex in the past.
The use of drugs and/or alcohol at parties and bars is often a part of campus life. In one study, more than 75 percent of the men said that they were under the influence of alcohol or drugs when they committed rape. A man's use of alcohol or drugs may intensify violent behaviour, but it is never responsible for date/acquaintance rape. Drugs and alcohol are not a legal excuse for rape.
Sex and culture
From a young age, men learn many ideas about sex and relationships which are harmful to women and themselves. Men often think that it not masculine to talk openly about their own feelings and desires or to listen and respond to women when the women discuss their own feelings.
Many men believe that they have to assume an aggressive and dominant role in their dating relationships by asking women out, paying for dates, and making the first move sexually. They see women as passive, dependent beings, existing only for their sexual pleasure. On university campuses such as Ryerson university, the most frequent outcome of such ideas and expectations is emotional, physical, and sexual violence in dating relationships.
Our society teaches men to see women in ways that encourage dating violence. Pornography, the first form of sex education for many men, teaches them lies about how women want and like to be treated. In pornography, women do not appear to be hurt by men's abusive behaviour and men are never held responsible for it. Power imbalances between men and women in pornography reflect and reinforce the unequal relationship between men and women on campus and in society. Other forms of mass media, such as movies and magazines, also depict women in unequal power relationships.
Male competitive sports can also reinforce and foster sexist and homophobic attitudes which are major factors contributing to date, acquaintance, and gang rape. One study reported that male athletes were six times more likely to commit rape than to commit a non-sexually related crime. Male athletes are over represented among students who are convicted of committing sexual assault. Societal attitudes that trivialize the problem of sexual assault and accept violence in sports combine with athletes' celebrity status to condone sports heroes' acts of sexual violence.
- Women fantasize about rape.
- When men pay for dates, women owe them sex.
- Men must initiate sex.
- Violent sex turns women on.
- Women always resist sex; they want to be convinced.
- If women flirt or wear revealing clothing they are promiscuous.
- Men can't control their sexual urges.
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
Dating violence on campus"Dating violence" refers to date or acquaintance rape and/or the emotional and physical violence which frequently occurs in relationships between men and women.
For many students, dating violence is a fact of campus life. In one study, one in 12 male students reported that he had committed acts that met the legal definition of rape. Ninety percent of all rape victims in the study were women. In another study, 21 percent of first- and second-year students had been abused or had inflicted abuse at least once in a dating relationship.
The majority of men who commit acts of violence toward women are not strangers and are not emotionally disturbed. They are known to the victims, are heterosexual, and are from all cultural, racial, and socioeconomic groups.
Dating violence at universities is underreported. When violence occurs between people who are in a relationship, the abuser often does not understand or will not accept his behaviour as abusive. The victim usually has difficulty defining her experience as a violent one. Many men will not acknowledge the destructive nature of their actions because they assume that women are responsible for fulfilling male sexual needs. In one college study, 84 percent of the men who committed rape said that what they did was definitely not rape.
WHAT MEANS "YES"?
"I'm ready..."
"I want to make love."
"Let's have sex."
"Yes!"
"Let's make love."
WHAT MEANS "NO"?
Silence
"I've changed my mind."
Crying
"I'm not in the mood."
Pushing you away "Get out."
Freezing
"Back off."
"I'm too drunk."
"I'm not ready."
"I feel sick."
"Leave me alone."
"Take me home."
"I don't want to."
"I don't know."
"It's getting late."
"I'm scared."
"I am not sure."
"I've got to go."
"Can we talk about this first?"
"Stop."
"I want to slow down."
"Fuck off!"
"No!"
"Not now."If a woman communicates "no" to you in any way, do not use arguments or continual pressure to get her to give in.
This would be sexual assault. It is a crime!WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
Physical and emotional violence in dating relationshipsEmotional and physical violence are very common in dating relationships. Females as young as 13 report incidents of abuse by their boyfriends that are similar to wife assault. Emotional and physical violence, like date rape, have long-lasting consequences on women's mental health. Physical assault is a crime. In a recent Canadian study, 35 percent of female students indicated that they had been physically abused. Seventy-nine percent reported having been emotionally abused in a dating relationship.
Examples of emotional abuse:
- Isolating women from friends and family
- Screaming or yelling
- Belittling or criticizing
- Devaluing feelings and opinions
- Threatening or blackmailing
- Blaming or scapegoating
- Controlling where women go, what they do, and what they wear
- Accusing women of having affairs
- Destroying women's property
- Humiliating women in front of other people
Examples of physical abuse:
- Hitting or punching or slapping
- Choking
- Hair pulling
- Biting
- Throwing or breaking objects
- Pushing or grabbing
- Pinching
- Arm twisting
- Burning
- Kicking
- Using a knife or a gun to injure a woman
- Murder
One out of seven men and one out of four women are sexually abused before the age of 18. On the Ryerson university campus, there are many male and female students who are survivors of child sexual abuse. Most of these survivors were abused by adults whom they knew, particularly male family members.
Child sexual abuse is an abuse of power. Perpetrators take advantage of children's trust, dependence and love, and the child's inability to name what has been done to them.
Men are just beginning to share their stories of child sexual abuse so it is not completely clear what the long-term effects are on men. Women who were sexually abused as children often live with intense feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, anger, and terror. To cope with these feelings, many female survivors grow up to develop problems with food, sex, drugs and/or alcohol. Sexual relationships in adulthood can bring back women's memories of and feelings about their childhood experience of victimization. Male survivors may develop many of the same problems and issues as female survivors.
Some men and women on campus have grown up in violent homes where they have witnessed abuse on a regular basis. Being a witness to violence can cause people to develop similar emotional problems as those who have been abused.
Men may be less able than women to talk about their experience of abuse because the expression of painful feelings is not seen as masculine. When men keep abuse secret, they become isolated and face feelings of guilt, shame, and anger. Since most perpetrators of child sexual abuse are men, some male survivors fear homophobic reactions from their peers when they consider telling. Men who rape boys are predominantly heterosexual.
Men are socialized to perceive violence as a legitimate form of masculine expression. A cycle of abuse can develop in which male survivors deal with their suffering by abusing themselves and/or others, especially women. It is very important for men to stop this cycle by seeking support. To receive this support, other men must be willing to give it.
- Do support, listen, believe, acknowledge, refer to appropriate resources.
- Don't assume, judge, joke, blame, psychoanalyze
- Take "no" seriously.
- Listen to your partner and respect her choices.
- Ask women what makes them feel comfortable and safe.
- Separate desire from actions. Your desires may be beyond your control, but your actions are within your control.
- Confront men who are violent.
- Challenge your own and other's sexist, racist, and homophobic attitudes.
- Recognize and share your feelings and encourage other men to do the same.
- Support male and female survivors and groups organizing against violence against women.
- Join a group that is directed toward sexual assault prevention.
- Start a group for concerned men on the Ryerson University campus.
INSIDE RYERSON UNIVERSITY
Discrimination and Harassment Prevention Services (416) 979-5349
Centre for Student Development and Counselling (416) 979-5195
Campus Safety (416) 979-5001
Ryerson University Security Emergency Number '80'
Ryerson University's Women's Centre(416) 598-9838
RYESAC (Students' Union)(416) 597-0723
OUTSIDE RYERSON UNIVERSITY
Distress Centre (416) 408-4357 (416) 561-9738 (TDD)
Gerstein Center (416) 929-5200
Next Steps Program (416) 595-9618 (fees on a sliding scale)
Funded by the Ministry of Training, Colleges and Universities and Ryerson University.
Published October 2000. Ryerson University.
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